BrainDrain

About a couple of weeks ago, a co-worker said I had become "siddity". Of course, I didn’t know what that meant but I was offended. It didn’t sound like a good thing at all. Later, we discussed it a little more and basically "siddity" meant "stuck up." I don’t think I’m stuck-up…I can see how some people would think that but I just don’t put up with crap as I much as I used to. Before, I could actually tolerate people lying to me, backstabbing, and gossiping and I never said a word against them. But, quite honestly, I have had ENOUGH.

So, don’t come and tell me how you feel sorry for little Miss I’m-always-missing-work-and-i-lie-about-it-and-gossip-about-how-much-everyone-makes-and-its-none-of-your-business-that-i-miss-work-but-you-have-to-do-what-I’ve-left-behind-because-i’m-entitled-to-have-everyone-clean-my-mess. WHATEVER. If not putting up with crap like that makes me "siddity," then so be it. I’m not going to show you mercy if you deserve none. At this point, you have obviously lost my respect.

Anyway, that was a "vent" entry if you guys didn’t recognize it.

Can’t. Stay. Away. Must. Write. Now

I have realized recently that me forcing myself to stay away from my blog is like asking a meth addict to make sure the he doesn’t use his needle. I try to keep away from the online blog but then my at-home journal is starting to run out of pages (that’s where the really private stuff is *wink*). Before, I was, like, "Hey, I should keep all my writing together." That way, when I needed it, it was all right there. Like, if I need to evacuate for another hurricane or dodge some other end-of-the-world catastrophe. No need to go online. No need to make copies or print-outs. But, now, when I don’t have my at-home journal, I don’t know where to write when stuff pops into my head.

I guess it was the writing-obligation factor that had originally lead me to the all-in-one decision. Like, "oh crap, when was the last time I wrote in my friendster blog? I guess I should write something regardless of how meaningless and irrelevant it might be." Yea, so that was annoying because I no longer wrote because I was inspired to but because my blog had looked empty for months.

Anyway, I know most people who read this will be like, "WTF?! Who cares?" But others of you who can’t stay away from the written/typed word probably know exactly what I’m talking about. You too probably get the shakes everytime you pick up a pen and poise it over an empty page or see the word "blog" and can’t click on the link. You too probably can’t let go of the indefinable feeling that all the crap in your head is just driving you nuts and that if you don’t release it in some cathartic web entry, you will die. You too probably feel that this, this writing is your "shout", your protest, your angst given a form and meaning. 

For me, that is writing. It has become so a part of me that I can’t define myself without it. I am what I write and without it, I am nothing.